Mixed Emotions

I left the clinic feeling pretty happy. The dr put Rob on maintenance therapy and though they can't guarantee that he is really in remission and that can't say that it won't come back, it was encouraging. Especially when they took the picc line out. What an awesome moment! It really felt like, maybe he was getting better. I took the fistful of prescriptions and left with a huge smile on my face.

As I sit here tonight, the smile has faded. I picked up all the meds and I sat here and read all the papers. I guess I had my hopes up that Rob would be feeling better and be able to do more. It doesn't really look that way. His immune system is still going to be low, he is still going to be at risk for bruising and bleeding, he is still going to lose his hair, he might still battle nausea. I am really sad about this. I want my partner in crime back!

Unsettling Peace?

A strange peace has come over me. It is soothing yet unsettling at the same time. Rob has shared with me that he knows his battle with leukemia will be tough. He really thinks that he will fight this for about 10 years. This was very hard to hear then, the strange peace came. A knowledge that me and the kids would be fine. I am not so sure it will be 10 years. I hope we have that long and even longer but, in my heart, I am afraid it won't be.

I have never cried at a wedding before. Yesterday, I cried at a wedding of people I don't really know. Rob was performing the wedding and having the couple repeat the vows. Usually, it just brings a smile to my face as I remember saying those words to him. Yesterday, it hurt. The thought that it really is for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. It's the death part that seems so real now. The one I dreamed of spending the rest of my life with seems to be leaving early and leaving without me.

I hope that God is just testing me to see if I trust him. I hope that I show Him that I do and my blessing will be more time with the love of my life.