I fell asleep to the unfortunate familiarness of a hospital room last night. The beeping of IV machines, the chatting of nurses, the alarms. Rob had a hard time falling asleep and asked me to crawl into bed with him for awhile. It was extremely uncomfortable but, well worth it just to be near him. I woke up several times just to check on him, I can't believe how much chemo is being pumped through his body. I worry constantly that "this" treatment will be the one that makes him sick like all the other cancer patients we see. This worrying has left me with numerous scars on my tongue from stress enduced seizures. At least I have something to show for it! That and all this weight. I wish this clock would hurry up and say that it was time to sleep. I wish that there was no such thing as cancer, diabetes, arthritis...

Out of body...

I feel as though my body is going on but "me", I, am watching everything that is going on. I have noticed that I am only doing those things that HAVE to be done. The dishes get washed, the important laundry is washed, meals are made, the kids are clean, I am clean and appear put together, the house is presentable. None of the projects that need tending to are done. The extra bedding and towels have piled up, the diabetes logs are empty, The extra bedroom is still not taken care of. The need to be near Rob is overwhelming at times and I am satisfied to just sit next to him on the bed while he sleeps. I have ceased to exist. The only thing that reminds me that I am alive is the nagging pain of my own disease. I have come to find comfort in the pain. It is my connection to reality. I know that things will better soon...

Thoughts of justification...

I wrestled with myself all night last night. I had saved some of our stimulus check and I finally just went and bought the kids something they have been wanting. I know Rob wasn't extremely happy. He wasn't angry either. I know our kids aren't the greatest at doing their chores. In fact, most of the time I wonder if they are the worst! Rob kept reminding me and the kids that they didn't deserve the wii. It is probably true but, how do I explain to Rob what I see and hear? The stress and strain in their eyes when they see that their Dad is sleeping again. The fear in their voices when I explain that they need to be quiet when they get home because Dad had chemo today. The tears that are shed on the way home from school when science class discussed the effects of chemotherapy and Prisca wants to know if her Dad will lose his eyes. Yea, they don't do their chores very good but, they sure do handle stress better than most adults. So, maybe I foolishly wasted money but, I am willing to bear that burden so, enjoy those games kids. You do deserve it!

Ramblings from 5/24/2008

Today Rob held me in his arms and I should have felt comforted but, instead I felt enveloped in the embrace of a stranger. I laid in his arms, my fingers laced in his and my mind raced with thoughts. Why has the world just kept spinning while I have been standing still? Why does everyone keep living their lives normally when mine has seemingly come to a screeching halt? It is moments like these when my thoughts.seem clear to me but I never find a way to share my thoughts with others. It is here, lying next to Rob that it is the clearest. These skinny arms that used to be so thick with muscle. Arms that didn't know what limits were. A body that would work until the work was done no matter how long the day and how hard the work. Hands that used to be rough and calloused, now soft and thin. Barely able to lift 15 pounds. Rarely able to walk through Walmart. Too tired to watch a whole movie. While everyone around me is praising God for his miracles, I am begging God for my husband. The Dr's can't give us any guarantee this leukemia is gone and if it is gone it will stay away. I try my best to trust God but, most nights I cry myself to sleep. How can I survive if the best half of me is gone?