Frustration...my old friend

It seems that no matter how much I pray or how many chapters of the Bible I read, the frustration placed on me from others is just overwhelming. Am I expecting too much or has the world become increasingly populated with stupid people? Hmmm, I am pretty sure I know the answer!

I really enjoyed our time up North this past week. We were able to relax and just enjoy ourselves! Tubing down the river, swimming and sunbathing at the beach, playing with the kids, sitting and laughing around the campfire at night, just absolutely wonderful! Thank you so much, Paul and Patty!

Now, if we can just get some of those around us to "get real." The world is full of people who have real problems, real illnesses and diseases, real life tragedies. Stop trying to suck up the time, resources, and yes, pity, these people deserve!!! Whew, that feels better.

Just to be normal ...

I'm afraid I haven't been very good with the few dollars God has blessed us with this month. I have been craving some normalcy in my life to the point where I felt I was going insane! The need to do the things we used to do was so overwhelming, I know I haven't been a very good steward. I am going to try my very best to be much more careful next month! I can't say I am too sorry. We really enjoyed our camping trip even though it was extremely simple. Rob and I also enjoyed a night out for his free birthday dinner. We haven't been able to do things like that since Rob got sick! Our little date was so nice! We ate at one of our favorite places and then just walked through the town and looked in some of the little shops. Rob did get a little over tired but, he did seem to really enjoy the evening. We even took some silly pics! I feel a lot less stressed than I did a week ago! So, it may seem like wasted money on the outside but, it feels like "salvation" on the inside!

I'm just so angry...

the last few days have just been so rough. I have been so angry and I am having a hard time figuring out why! I can see the things that seem to "set" me off but, they don't all make sense to me. I was so stressed out yesterday, I woke up between 3 and 4, took some tylenol, and then ended up having a seizure. I spent the rest of the day in bed with a terrible headache. Rob kept me up all night and man, was I irritated!

This morning, I got up, having only grabbed an hour or two at the most, and I was in a terrible mood. I am normally not a moody person! I just couldn't keep my emotions in check at all! If I wasn't crying, I was spittin' fire! For some reason, Rob's constant surfing of other church internet sites has just been bothering me. Our church is small, we don't get paid and seeing these big name pastors and all their "success" just feels like lemon juice in my very open wound right now. Another irritant is all the time Rob spends working on church stuff. I feel like I work hard to keep him healthy and to make sure he has everything he needs and wants and everyone else gets the few hours of "good health" he has to give. It sucks and I hate it. It is making me cranky. The lack of help around the house from the kids is making me angry too. Of course, today the girls were a huge help. I think they noticed the stress level was WAY UP! I try so hard to be organized but, no matter what I try, I just make a lousy wife, mother, and housekeeper.

I am just hating my life right now and I don't know how to fix things. Maybe tomorrow will be better but, I am not holding out much hope...

Mixed Emotions

I left the clinic feeling pretty happy. The dr put Rob on maintenance therapy and though they can't guarantee that he is really in remission and that can't say that it won't come back, it was encouraging. Especially when they took the picc line out. What an awesome moment! It really felt like, maybe he was getting better. I took the fistful of prescriptions and left with a huge smile on my face.

As I sit here tonight, the smile has faded. I picked up all the meds and I sat here and read all the papers. I guess I had my hopes up that Rob would be feeling better and be able to do more. It doesn't really look that way. His immune system is still going to be low, he is still going to be at risk for bruising and bleeding, he is still going to lose his hair, he might still battle nausea. I am really sad about this. I want my partner in crime back!

Unsettling Peace?

A strange peace has come over me. It is soothing yet unsettling at the same time. Rob has shared with me that he knows his battle with leukemia will be tough. He really thinks that he will fight this for about 10 years. This was very hard to hear then, the strange peace came. A knowledge that me and the kids would be fine. I am not so sure it will be 10 years. I hope we have that long and even longer but, in my heart, I am afraid it won't be.

I have never cried at a wedding before. Yesterday, I cried at a wedding of people I don't really know. Rob was performing the wedding and having the couple repeat the vows. Usually, it just brings a smile to my face as I remember saying those words to him. Yesterday, it hurt. The thought that it really is for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. It's the death part that seems so real now. The one I dreamed of spending the rest of my life with seems to be leaving early and leaving without me.

I hope that God is just testing me to see if I trust him. I hope that I show Him that I do and my blessing will be more time with the love of my life.

I fell asleep to the unfortunate familiarness of a hospital room last night. The beeping of IV machines, the chatting of nurses, the alarms. Rob had a hard time falling asleep and asked me to crawl into bed with him for awhile. It was extremely uncomfortable but, well worth it just to be near him. I woke up several times just to check on him, I can't believe how much chemo is being pumped through his body. I worry constantly that "this" treatment will be the one that makes him sick like all the other cancer patients we see. This worrying has left me with numerous scars on my tongue from stress enduced seizures. At least I have something to show for it! That and all this weight. I wish this clock would hurry up and say that it was time to sleep. I wish that there was no such thing as cancer, diabetes, arthritis...

Out of body...

I feel as though my body is going on but "me", I, am watching everything that is going on. I have noticed that I am only doing those things that HAVE to be done. The dishes get washed, the important laundry is washed, meals are made, the kids are clean, I am clean and appear put together, the house is presentable. None of the projects that need tending to are done. The extra bedding and towels have piled up, the diabetes logs are empty, The extra bedroom is still not taken care of. The need to be near Rob is overwhelming at times and I am satisfied to just sit next to him on the bed while he sleeps. I have ceased to exist. The only thing that reminds me that I am alive is the nagging pain of my own disease. I have come to find comfort in the pain. It is my connection to reality. I know that things will better soon...

Thoughts of justification...

I wrestled with myself all night last night. I had saved some of our stimulus check and I finally just went and bought the kids something they have been wanting. I know Rob wasn't extremely happy. He wasn't angry either. I know our kids aren't the greatest at doing their chores. In fact, most of the time I wonder if they are the worst! Rob kept reminding me and the kids that they didn't deserve the wii. It is probably true but, how do I explain to Rob what I see and hear? The stress and strain in their eyes when they see that their Dad is sleeping again. The fear in their voices when I explain that they need to be quiet when they get home because Dad had chemo today. The tears that are shed on the way home from school when science class discussed the effects of chemotherapy and Prisca wants to know if her Dad will lose his eyes. Yea, they don't do their chores very good but, they sure do handle stress better than most adults. So, maybe I foolishly wasted money but, I am willing to bear that burden so, enjoy those games kids. You do deserve it!

Ramblings from 5/24/2008

Today Rob held me in his arms and I should have felt comforted but, instead I felt enveloped in the embrace of a stranger. I laid in his arms, my fingers laced in his and my mind raced with thoughts. Why has the world just kept spinning while I have been standing still? Why does everyone keep living their lives normally when mine has seemingly come to a screeching halt? It is moments like these when my thoughts.seem clear to me but I never find a way to share my thoughts with others. It is here, lying next to Rob that it is the clearest. These skinny arms that used to be so thick with muscle. Arms that didn't know what limits were. A body that would work until the work was done no matter how long the day and how hard the work. Hands that used to be rough and calloused, now soft and thin. Barely able to lift 15 pounds. Rarely able to walk through Walmart. Too tired to watch a whole movie. While everyone around me is praising God for his miracles, I am begging God for my husband. The Dr's can't give us any guarantee this leukemia is gone and if it is gone it will stay away. I try my best to trust God but, most nights I cry myself to sleep. How can I survive if the best half of me is gone?