Saturday, May 24, 2008
Ramblings from 5/24/2008
Today Rob held me in his arms and I should have felt comforted but, instead I felt enveloped in the embrace of a stranger. I laid in his arms, my fingers laced in his and my mind raced with thoughts. Why has the world just kept spinning while I have been standing still? Why does everyone keep living their lives normally when mine has seemingly come to a screeching halt? It is moments like these when my thoughts.seem clear to me but I never find a way to share my thoughts with others. It is here, lying next to Rob that it is the clearest. These skinny arms that used to be so thick with muscle. Arms that didn't know what limits were. A body that would work until the work was done no matter how long the day and how hard the work. Hands that used to be rough and calloused, now soft and thin. Barely able to lift 15 pounds. Rarely able to walk through Walmart. Too tired to watch a whole movie. While everyone around me is praising God for his miracles, I am begging God for my husband. The Dr's can't give us any guarantee this leukemia is gone and if it is gone it will stay away. I try my best to trust God but, most nights I cry myself to sleep. How can I survive if the best half of me is gone?
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You cannot speak these words because you do not believe them. You feel them in your soul and have written them as an outlet. To let go of your belief is to give in to chance. This you cannot do and your belief will not allow you to do. Anyone that has ever known you, knows your love for Rob. Greater than this is your love for your God and this too is obvious to all, even in your love for Rob. You keep believing. Morning is near. Wait and watch. I love you, Dad.
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